Saturday, April 01, 2006

April Fools!

I little April Fools satire courtesy of Sojourners:

Final Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?
by Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins (Authors of the Left Behind series)

Friends, I need to warn you about the Satanic conspiracy behind this so-called "March Madness." It's all in our new book, Left Behind: The Final Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. But don't just take our word for it! Revelation 13:2 says: "And the beast which I saw was like unto a leopard, and his feet were as the feet of a bear, and his mouth as the mouth of a lion: and the dragon gave him his power, and his seat, and great authority."

Let's spell it out:

• "like unto a leopard" - that's the LSU Tigers
• "feet of a bear" - the UCLA Bruins
• "the dragon" - Florida Gators
• "power...great authority" - look no further than the university of founding father George Mason and his Patriots!
• And if you're thinking that I skipped over the lion part, that's also LSU. Tigers, lions - same thing. Not all of Revelation should be taken literally. Just most of the time.

Every year, millions worship the false idol of NCAA basketball - even though Revelation 11:2 clearly says, "But the court which is without the temple leave out, and measure it not," - i.e. basketball is not Christian, and we are not to "measure" or pick our favorite teams, for all are fallen in the sight of the Lord. Sure, occasionally a player will "give glory to God," but spell NCAA backwards, you get AACN, or Armageddon Anti-Christ Network. Is it any wonder that Oral Roberts U. was eliminated in the first round?

Need more evidence that sinister forces are at work? Let's take a look at George Mason. That's right MASON. As in Freemasons. As in the Illuminati. As in the secret society that controls everything from the pope's shoe size to the U.N. seating chart. Even our founding fathers - aside from the ones who were fundamentalist evangelical Christians who built this country on the 10 Commandments - were members of this shadowy cabal. George Mason's rise to the Final Four is just one sign that their schemes are finally coming to fruition.

How else but by demonic influence could 11 seed GMU defeat #1 UConn? It's unnatural. In the Bible we read - most of the Old Testament (minus 1 Samuel and the prophets) plus Revelation - the idea of the weak defeating the strong is simply unthinkable. The Jesus we know comes on a white horse with a flaming sword to kick some butt. And he's going to kick yours if you don't cast out this March Madness and spend your time more wisely - like, say, buying and reading my books and buying them as gifts for your friends. They're great witnessing tools - who doesn't love sports?


KK said...

funny. I think they might have gotten a little carried away with that one. :) HAH! Good thing!!!! We can't take everything seriously, now can we. Go LSU! (for Miss Hannah)

tyler durden said...

good thing i hate basketball.

i'll go straight up to be with Jesus.